Gaslighting - What it is and how to recognise it to free yourself

The word gaslighting has become increasingly common as more people look it up to find out what it means. Many have the unsettling feeling that their reality has been rewritten. The phenomenon itself isn’t new: the term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband keeps turning down the gas lamps and then swears to his wife that they’re burning as brightly as ever. The result is growing anxiety, depression and loss of self-esteem, ultimately eroding the victim’s trust in their own mind.

What gaslighting is

Gaslighting is a behavioural pattern, whether deliberate or unconscious, aimed at making another person doubt their own perception, memory or sanity so that the perpetrator can obtain or maintain power and control, creating a relationship of dependence.

A gaslighter does this by constantly distorting reality (e.g. “I never said that”), adding personal attacks (“You’re paranoid”) and alternating these with episodes of intense affection (love-bombing) to keep the person destabilised and confused.
Over time the victim starts wondering whether they are the one in the wrong; the more doubts arise, the more power the abuser gains. After repeatedly being told not to trust themselves, the person may start delegating the job of remembering events or making decisions to the abuser and may come to think they can’t leave the relationship.

Recognising gaslighting

These are some of the most common gaslighting techniques:

• Countering: Challenges the other person’s memory (“Are you sure? You know you’ve got a terrible memory.” / “I think you forgot how things really happened.”).

• Withholding: Pretends not to understand or refuses to listen, so the other person doubts themselves (“Now you’re just confusing me.” / “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”).

• Belittling: Ridicules or ignores the person’s feelings, accusing them of being “too sensitive” or exaggerating.

• Denial: Refuses responsibility, claims to have forgotten, denies the behaviour or blames someone else.

• Deflection: Shifts the focus by questioning the other person’s credibility (“That’s just rubbish you read on the internet/your friend told you.” / “You imagined it.”).

• Stereotyping: Deliberately invokes negative stereotypes about gender, race, orientation, age, etc (“No one will believe a woman if she reports abuse.”).

Gaslighting in different settings

Why it works

Gaslighting partly works because we trust and respect the person doing it and believe they’re reliable, be it a doctor, partner, parent or best friend. It also succeeds because, unlike in films, the behaviour often hides behind subtler gestures that look like care or concern for the victim.

How to break free

First: spot the warning signs

If you find yourself doubting small everyday events, apologising excessively or relying on someone else to interpret reality, ask yourself:

• Do I feel more secure with or without this person around?

• Is there concrete evidence for what they’re claiming?

• Do people close to me think I’ve changed?

Strategies that can help

1. Document reality. Keep a private diary or folder with screenshots, dates, photos or quick notes describing what actually happened. This helps when your memory is questioned.

2. Set clear boundaries. Next time it happens, try responses like:
   “It seems we remember things differently, so let’s move on.”
   “If you call me ‘crazy’, I’ll leave the room.”
   “We can talk, but if you shout I’m going.”
   Boundaries show you cannot be manipulated.

3. Talk to someone you trust. Confide in a friend, family member or psychologist who can offer another perspective (Feel free to contact me). Isolation only increases the gaslighter’s chances of success.

4. Keep doing what you enjoy. Gaslighting often erodes your sense of self until you feel numb or empty. Carve out time for activities that make you feel good: sports, relaxation techniques, hobbies. They help you feel stronger and better able to face daily challenges.